Family Man
by Etrangere
Summary: Seishirou reveals a few of his secrets to Subaru, ones Subaru could have never guessed ! Crossover references with other clamp works. Crack.


**Notes**: Many thanks to tammaiya for betaing and to laurus nobilis for inspiration 

Seishirou was quietly reading a book on gardening when the door of his apartment suddenly sprung open with a noisy bang.

"SEISHIROU-SAN!"

Seishirou raised his eyes from the book. "Hello, Subaru-kun. How are you today?"

Subaru pointed a trembling accusatory finger at the Sakurazukamori.

"You... I... the... Kamui!"

"I assure you, Subaru-kun, we only went for ice-cream. It was a perfectly innocent business meeting," Seishirou said brightly.

Subaru became flustered and with great pain managed to specify, "Not him! MY Kamui!"

"Oh, well... I didn't do anything with him, either. You don't need to be jealous." Pause, then a wide smile. "Though you're cute when you are."

"You're his father!"

"Ah. Yes, yes I suppose I might be. Is that a problem, Subaru-kun?"

Subaru seemed to deflate. "But how? How could that be...?"

Seishirou gave him a look. "Come on, Subaru-kun, I'm sure even you are aware of the mechanics."

The young man turned to the predictable shade of red and stuttered, "No, I didn't mean...I mean... I could never imagine you... having a child... you're a heartless assassin!"

"Many people worse than I are parents," Seishirou pointed out.

Subaru gave him a look. "Worse people than you?"

"I never treated any of them badly!" Seishirou said, somewhat defensively.

"Well, you've never been much there for Kamui either," retorted Subaru with a healthy dose of righteousness, before: "Wait a minute... You said "them"?"

The Sakurazukamori coughed. "Yes, well... You better sit down. I'll make you some tea." With an expert hand he led an alarmed Subaru on the couch and disappeared in the kitchen.

Subaru started realizing where he was and in whose company, and questioning whether it had really been a good idea to come here as soon as he had learned the shocking news. But, on the other hand, Kamui was his friend and he had a right to hear some answers… for Kamui's own sake, of course.

Seishirou re-appeared, wearing an apron and holding a tea tray with two steaming cups and put it down before sitting close to the younger man.

Subaru eyed him suspiciously.

There was a penguin figure on his apron.

"You see, Subaru-kun… my profession leaves me a lot of leisure time, and it happens now and then that a single person who wishes to become a parent seeks someone of uncommon good looks and sharp intellect to engender their children. People who'd rather not wish for me to remain around long, but can be sure I'll behave like a gentleman."

Subaru gulped.

"You sound like you do this a lot."

Seishirou patted Subaru's back. "If this is too much for you, I'd understand. We don't have to mention it again."

However, Subaru's expression grew resolute. "No. I want to know all about it."

Seishirou sighed. The younger man looked so cute when he was determined about something, and it made for a nice change of pace that that thing wasn't killing Seishirou.

"Well apart from Kamui, since you know of him… there's the Clamp Campus board treasurer. I think you've met him?"

Subaru gaped. "Akira-kun?"

"Yes!" Seishirou smiled proudly. "He's taking a lot after me, don't you think?"

"You mean… because he leads a life of crime and has a double identity?"

"No, because he's a phenomenal cook."

Subaru blinked. He was battling for his sanity– or what was left of it – there, but he needed to know. "Who else is there?"

"I've got a daughter. Daidouji Tomoyo. She's taking after my mother, which is good because _her mother_ is a lunatic," Seishirou couldn't hide a shudder.

"How old is she?" asked Subaru, feeling shy.

Immediately Seishirou got some pictures of Tomoyo at various ages and started telling him all about her and her passion for designing clothes, video taping, stalking and Sakura.

Subaru was completely taken aback. It had been very long since he had seen Seishirou behaving in such a cute manner. It brought bittersweet memory of the gentle veterinarian. Maybe all of it hadn't been an act after all? Or… Subaru narrowed his eyes… Seishirou was playing with him again.

"She looks adorable." He said politely. "And very… er… passionate." Actually, Subaru was thinking that the girl's disquieting obsessive behaviour was probably inherited from her father. Well, not all of Seishirou's children could be as sweet as Akira-kun.

Seishirou brightened at the compliment.

It was very disturbing.

Subaru gathered his courage. "Is that all?"

"No, no of course not. There's Rikuou. He's seventeen and working in a pharmacy right now."

"A pharmacy?" Subaru tried to smile. "Does he like biology as much as you?"

Seishirou laughed. "No, he spends his time teasing the very cute slip of a boy who works with him."

Subaru felt a sweat drop run along his face. He was starting to think all of Seishirou's children had inherited an alarming predisposition for stalking and possessiveness.

"Then there's the triplets… but… hm… there's not much to say about them. There's only two left anyway," Seishirou hastened to say, not willing to lean too much on them. He didn't want Subaru to think too badly of his fathering ability, and even he had to admit that A was a bit too extravagant in his way of showing his brotherly affection. Well, at least, Subaru would think so.

"… and then of course there's Sakura and Touya. The ones from the Clow country."

Subaru, who still had tea with Yuuko-san regularly at her shop to discuss business and the meaning of fate, had heard enough of them to blink.

"Wait a minute. Touya and Sakura have a father- Clow-san!"

Seishirou smiled dazzlingly at Subaru. "Yes, he was. I was their mother."

Subaru looked at Seishirou.

Seishirou looked back.

Outside, you could hear the crickets chirping. Or would have, if they hadn't been in the middle of a very busy metropolis.

Subaru put down his cup of tea delicately. "I beg your pardon, Seishirou-san, I didn't hear you properly. I thought you said you were their mother." He smiled nervously.

Seishirou nodded, still smiling widely. "You didn't hear wrong, that's what I said."

Subaru gave up on any pretence to keep his sanity.

"How is that even possible?" He said tiredly.

"Clow was a very, very powerful and thorough magician. We used the MPREG Clow card."

"The WHAT?"

"The MPREG Clow Card. The Clow cards are a set of very useful magical artefacts in which a creature embodying a domain is bound to be released at will by the magician." Seishirou explained calmly.

"I KNOW what the Clow cards are! I never heard of a MPREG Clow Card, that's ridiculous! You're making this up!"

"You obviously never met Clow." Seishirou said. "He made quite a few cards that he didn't see fit to give to Sakura-chan. Like the lubrification card, the bondage card, the…"

"All right!" Subaru said hastily. "Enough, I believe you." He rubbed his temple in resignation.

Obviously, he should have listened to Yuuko-san more closely when she was ranting about how crazy the great magician was. He had thought she had just been polite in trading complaints about their respective exes. Apparently, Clow Reed really had been off-kilter.

"So you're the father of seven children and the mother of two," he said faintly. "Is there anymore I should know about?"

Seishirou shook his head. "Not that I know of." He looked at Subaru with concern. Or what was a very good sham of it. "Subaru-kun, are you going to be all right? I know this is a bit much to deal with, but I had to tell you sooner or later…"

Subaru twitched. "Seishirou-san… WHY?"

"It's a consequence of my profession, you see. Onmyoujutsu is based on the balance between yin and yang energies. For every life I take with my powers, I have to give life."

Subaru looked at him in disbelief. "You're not serious."

The Sakurazukamori returned the gaze gravely. "Deadly so. Since you're going to become the new guardian of the Sakura grave, you'll have to father many children yourself."

Subaru fell over from the couch, his mouth wide open.

"What? I'm not going to…! I mean, I could never…"

Seishirou tilted his head. "I'm surprised you didn't realize that, Subaru-kun. Given that you're planning to kill me, you'll have to take up on my office when you do so."

Subaru flushed with anger and embarrassment. "Don't be ridiculous! Besides, I could never… with a woman…"

"Ah, excellent!" Seishirou's face lit up with delight. "I knew that once you'd seen I was such a family man, you would give up on that plan. After all, you're much too kind to make some many poor children orphans," he added in a conspiracy tone. "Of course, you realize there's only one honourable path for you now."

Subaru was well and utterly lost with confusion. "What is it?" he asked, forgetting about his own plans regarding Seishirou and who would kill whom.

Seishirou nodded earnestly. "Since I'm sure you have nothing but all the children's interest in mind, and that you might have some doubts on my capacity to take proper care of them – which I assume was the concern which brought you here to talk about Kamui in the first place – you have no choice but becoming their step-mother."

"Huh?" Subaru said, who had thought no such thing.

The older man smiled slyly. "Of course, if you want, we could have our own children. I know whom Clow arranged for the cards to go to- we'll only need to ask him. I wouldn't want you to be jealous."

A little devil-Hokuto popped up on Subaru's shoulder and whacked him on the head with her perfectly accessorized pitchfork. "Stop gaping to the wind, Subaru! Sei-chan's finally found the balls to propose to you, so what are you waiting for? Say yes!"

"But he killed you!" Subaru protested. "I can't marry him!"

"Well, then you'll just have to give my name to your first child. That's the only way I'll ever forgive you for waiting nine years before you managed to get Seishirou to fulfil my wish." She pouted.

Subaru blinked. "Oh."

Then he finally smiled to Seishirou.

owari -


End file.
